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Hello, me! Are you there?

At a younger age, All my curiosity was aimed on the world. Adventurous to go explore; I wanted to roam everywhere; I wanted to unveil the outside. But that has changed, now I'm just trying to understand myself, my wiring and my emotional triggers. With all that I've learned about this world, yet remains the most mysterious secret within; myself.

I'm still seeking my purpose, my inner peace, my talent and my goals. I still get astonished about how I react to changes, how naive I can be. The more and more this goes on, the less I feel like I know myself. 

I hope, one day, I get to meet with my true self, and get to know me. Nevertheless, it seems like a long road ahead.

Storming

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination 
I hope they choke on smoke.

Once again it's raging; denying what is. Denying what has to be. I want a peaceful mind, easier said. I hate to deal with this. Sometimes I feel like I still don't know me that well.


Gangsters don't cry
Therefore, therefore I'm...

Do I keep it in? Do I let it all out? What do I am it at?


Death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit.

Run!

I'm wanted and on the run.

So I'm taking this moment to live in the future.

SWING!

Wishes, promises, hopes and dreams.

Pain, resistance, comfort and agony.

"Ups and downs" they say; so how deep can you bare? how does it feel to sail towards your breaking point? Towards the undiscovered you? 

Rebel, surrender, scream or obey.

Accept the reality or roar against the inevitable facts? 

Between the moment and the future.

Between giving up and holding on.

Between hitting back and letting go.

ISLE OF FLIGHTLESS BIRDS

Now is the climax to the story

That gives the demons and angels purpose

They fly around while we are walking

And mold our emotions just to please them

I am cold, can you hear?

I will fly, with no known fear

And the ground, taunts my wings

Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing

All we are is an isle of flightless birds

We find our worth in giving birth and stuff

We're lining our homes against winding roads

And we think the going is tough

We pick songs to sing, remind us of things that no body cares about

And honestly we're probably more suicidal than ever now

If you decide to live by, what you think's wrong and what's right

Believe me you'll begin to wish you were sleeping

Your weeping will creep in your head and you'll cry

But if we wake up every morning and decide what we believe

We can take apart our very heart and the light will set you free

I am cold, can you hear?

I will fly, with no hope, no fear

And the ground, taunts my wings

Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing

I am cold, can you hear?

I will fly, with no hope, no fear

And the ground, taunts my wings

Plummet as I sing, plummet as I sing

How frustrating, and so degrading

His time, we're wasting

And time will fly by and the sky will cry as light is fading

And he is waiting, oh so patiently

While we repeat the same routine as we will please comfortability

Please think about why you can't sleep in the evening

And please don't be afraid of what your soul is really thinking

Your soul knows good and evil, your soul knows both sides

And it's time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine

Curiosity vs. Satisfaction

Do you really wanna go back in time? Why does the past always seem better? I mean it never was! I remember flashes from the past when I told myself " I'll remember this in future and it would be much better". At that time I was suffering issues that no longer exist and was after things that I reached now, but somehow I lost interest in it, in everything. Curiosity is part of who we are, I know. It's probably one of the reasons humans are so scientifically advanced. The "Always look for the newer!" Dilemma. For me, I lost interest in the whole "chasing" thing, knowing that when I get there, I will not be satisfied still. I'll be lured by some else. It feels like a dog playing fetch with trillion balls bouncing around. That's a nightmare if you know what I mean. Satisfaction vs. Curiosity. Looks like I've lost both.

I watched a video once expressing human behavior, it was
Trigger > Act > reward
You feel hungry (trigger)
You eat (act)
You feel good (reward)
Makes sense to me, but I can't feel the rewarding chemicals in there. Instead if feel " I thought it would be cooler" " That's it? That's all?" " wasn't worth it at all!". I'm not trying to understand the world, just trying to see how my brain function, or probably malfunction.

حتميات

كل حاجة حلوة ليها نهاية

جملة غارقة في البديهية، ما هو اصلا كل حاجة ليها نهاية! ضفت ايه انت؟

الحقيقة ولا حاجة (و لو جاي عشان اضيفلك دوس زرار الاكس فوق علي اليمين) بس ازاي حاجة في قمة البديهية اللي في العالم ممكن تكون مخيفة بالشكل ده؟ ليه انا و الشباب في دماغي مرعوبين للحد ده من حاجة حتمية الحدوث؟ يعني انا لو اترعب من تعبان هجري و ده هيزود فرص نجاتي، لو بترعب من المرتفعات مش هطلعها و ده نوعا ما بيزود فرص نجاتي. في نمط اهو. 

 الخوف > رد فعل > فرص بقاء اعلي

لكن لما اخاف من حاجة حتمية، لما بخاف من ان الحاجات الحلوة تخلص، انا عايزك تقولي

كده انا استفدت ايه؟

 فرص بقائي مش واخدة بالها يعني هتزيد ازاي؟ ولا هو الخوف ده مش عشان بقائنا ولا ايه الكلام؟ يعني سيبك من الخوف ذات نفسه و بص لكل اجراس الانذار اللي شغالة في دماغي و بتفسد استمتاعي بالحاجة نفسها. 

 قاعد بفكر الحاجات هتخلص امتي و هعمل ايه بينما هي بتخلص!!

Get out!

Your safe zone is no longer safe. Nothing is the same anymore; nothing but you! Rules are constantly changing. If you risk predicting them, you might fail, but sticking where you're mentally are only guarantees losing. You got nothing to lose but the opportunity. Can't you even hold on to this?
You say you moved on, but you didn't. Everything is in that dark deep corner in your mind? You tend to go there! You tend to be there. It feels strange, it feels like you're obsessed with collecting falls; just to take every misstep, head to this scary place and add to the collection. What's wrong with you? Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't do this when you succeed, do you?

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination. I hope they choke on smoke cause I'm smoking them out the basement

                                                            tøp

Close-minded

It's so sad that a person can't escape his eyes, his vision, his perspective of what is and what isn't. Can't overcome his mind. It's a nonsense, living with a conception that things are what we see.
Fear of the unknown might have helped us survive, of course, it kept us safe in this dungeon; safe as a boat onshore. Minimized the risks of wasting anything regardless of its value. You only do what you think is going to work, ignore all the unlimited possibilities of the ways unwalked. Think in the domain. Do what they all doing, stick to the group; that is where the odds are high. Keep going to the point where you're no longer you, to the point where you're just a reflection. A programming code looping, but guaranteed to never crash. While(Alive = True); Do yesterday.

Dancing with my duplicates.

How did it become so hard for one to get up on morning? Where did we go wrong my foolish mind? Why does yesterday looks pretty much like the day before? And last week like the week before? And last year like the year before? I feel trapped in this chain of endless duplicates. Same day everday. I got tired of this "Groundhog Day". It's not fun, it never was. I can't help my mind from going down this slippery slope. I wish I can impress myself again like how I used to when I was a kid. I'm bounded by that sense of uncertainty towards everything. Came from nowhere, headed nowhere. It's just how I feel. "Well, try so and so". Guess what, I'm sick of trying fucked up ways, digging for something that isn't there. It's not easy waking up everyday waiting for the bedtime. Somebody stole my car radio and now I just set in silence.

You've changed!

Who? Me? Oh, yes; I've... I've changed. I'm no longer worrying of what you are thinking; I'm no longer trying to render everything I do in other's minds to see if it's okay for ME to do. I'm no longer trying to simulate their brains, follow their standards, or even think if they will like this that I'm writing. Indeed I've changed, huh? I'm no longer waiting until no one is looking. I just do things now! Amazing, isn't it?
What happened to get to this? I don't know; and honestly, I don't care to find out. Actually, if there's something I'm curious about; it would be how did everyone became so anxious about what everyone is thinking! How did you come up with this mindset; trying to get everyone satisfied? everyone but the one the matter. You!